


Did I Tell You That I Love You

by SashaArmstrong



Category: Savages (2012), Savages Series - Don Winslow
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 05:32:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1333912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SashaArmstrong/pseuds/SashaArmstrong





	Did I Tell You That I Love You

As soon as Chon turns the face chat off Ben is running back to the fridge. Chon gives him a cold side glance as Ben practically rips the door off its hinges and pulls Magda out and into him arms; the duct tape over her mouth isn’t enough to stifle her fearful wailing.

Chon is starting to wish they had knocked her out first.

Ben lays Magda gently down on the ground, her ankles and wrists still bound. He is practically pleading with her for forgiveness as she spits back, what are assumed to be, muffled curses in Spanish. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” Ben carries on. It’s pretty much the only thing he can think of to say. 

It’s mostly pathetic, if not slightly amusing, Chon thinks. But given the circumstances thus far it isn’t enough to make him angry. Magda isn’t the enemy, she’s simply leverage. 

It’s hard for Chon to hold back a laugh when she reels her bound arms back and starts walloping Ben over the head. He gets what he deserves, in a way.

Ben lifts Magda into his arms again and carries her up the stairs, out of their basement and into the higher levels of the house. She’s still bound and gagged, but more compliant and no longer putting up a fight. Chon follows them and the sight of Magda in Ben’s arms makes him feel rattled. It reminds him of the times they would hold O on the beach, swinging her around, tossing her over their shoulders, and listening to her giggle incessantly.

Seeing Ben with Magda now seems like a twisted reversal of better times.  
Ben softly places Magda on one of the upstairs couches (the comfiest one, one they’ve fucked O on countless times).

“Okay, I’m gonna take the tape off now. Please, PLEASE don’t scream,” Ben begs.

So, of course the first thing she does the second the tape releases her lips is shout a big “FUCK YOU!!!” to both Ben and Chon, and continues to scream her fucking head off till she’s red in the face.

“At least it’s in English this time,” Chon smirks, Ben isn’t in the mood for his brand of humor. 

After she’s done, Ben explains everything to her. Everything about the business deal with her mother and their refusal, O’s kidnapping as a result, and all the bullshit they’ve gone through to get her back. 

“That’s not surprising,” Madga replies, hoarse and out of breath, “My mother has done a lot worse for a lot less.”

Ben is just happy she isn’t as abrasive as before. It makes him feel like there is at least one person in the world who isn’t mad at him.  
***********************************

 

They haven’t been speaking as much since O was taken away. They haven’t smoked once because there are clearly more pressing matters at hand. They’ve mostly been tiptoeing around each other; at least, that’s what it feels like. If it isn’t talk of getting O back, it’s talk of what Chon is going to do to those cartel fuckers once he gets his hands on them. Ben has a hard time participating in these conversations since they mostly involve talking about how Chon is going to kill everyone, and after their latest raid on the cartel Ben doesn’t have the stomach to talk about such things.

When they aren’t discussing mass murder they’re arguing, but in a way that is most unlike their usual arguing. Before all this cartel bullshit they would fight- sometimes for days- and then, when they couldn’t take it any longer they would fuck –sometimes for days. O was always accommodating in these matters; she’d give them their space to work everything out, and then, somewhere in the middle of the fucking process, she would rejoin them.

Without her there it seemed pointless to resolve their issues in the manner in which they were accustomed; the process seemed incomplete.

Without O everything seemed incomplete.

Ben was crying every morning in the shower now; the water runs down his face which makes it so no one can tell. Ever since O was taken and Elena almost got Chon to blow his fucking brains out, Ben had stop sleeping; he was sick with fear and worry and Chon was getting tired of trying to force him to ingest something other than coffee. The worst part was that, despite avoiding confrontation, they were constantly hovering over one another. Chon hadn’t been alone in months because Ben was never more than a few feet away from him no matter where he was. And Ben was starting to find Chon’s intense, 24/7 possessiveness disturbing. They both blamed themselves immensely, but their greatest fear was the chance that they both blamed the other more. So, they completely shut down and pushed each other away instead.

Ben won’t talk to Chon because he knows if he hears the words “man up” one more time he’s going to be the one to blow his fucking brains. Chon can’t stand Ben’s sadness; the big watery eyes and the somber expressions make him hateful toward Ben’s vulnerability, but mostly hateful toward himself. He can’t extinguish Ben’s guilt or his own, so he just forces them both to stop feeling until they can get O back.

Ben cries in the shower because it’s the only place he can. 

Chon lets him because he can’t stand to see Ben cry.  
************************

 

“Are you hungry?” Ben asks Magda. She’s been spending most of her time eyeballing Chon as he stands watching her in the corner, he hasn’t said a single word to her or Ben since they stuffed her in a sack and brought her with them. It’s obvious who the friendlier of the two is.

“Yea, I could eat,” she answers, her throat too soar to yell. Ben gets up to go to the kitchen but Magda grabs at his shirt quickly.

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly and she says nothing, just looks over at Chon warily.

“He won’t hurt you and I won’t be gone long, I promise.” The scowl on Chon’s face darkens; he’s perfectly fine with Magda being afraid of him. Despite not being the enemy she’s still Elena’s daughter and therefore closer to being in alliance with the enemy; someone in Elena’s camp needs to be afraid of him.

Chon follows Ben to the kitchen and walks in on him making sandwiches.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks in a low tone, not because he cares if Magda hears.

“What’s it look like? She said she was hungry,”

“Well, why don’t you just draw her a bath and read her a fucking bedtime story while you’re at it,”

“I’m not gonna treat her like a fucking criminal, Chon,”

“Why not? She’s our prisoner, isn’t she?

“We need her to get O back in one piece. It wouldn’t hurt if we took care of her a bit,” Chon’s nostrils flare.

“You think those assholes are treating O like a fucking princess?” His voice is rising.

“I think that I don’t wanna make this any worse than it already is,”

“Rape, torture, beatings. You think of all the fucking things they could’ve done to her already and you still wanna treat this girl to fucking dinner?!?!?!” He doesn’t want to yell at Ben, but he can’t help it as he finds his voice steadily rising out of frustration. Why can’t they just be on the same fucking page when it matters the most? 

Ben still hasn’t looked up from the sandwiches, he’s made 4 of them just so he doesn’t have to see Chon’s disapproval. Chon can’t stand the avoidance.

“LOOK AT ME!!” Chon shouts gruffly, grabbing a hold of Ben’s jaw and turning him to meet his gaze. He presses their faces close, almost nose to nose and Ben’s eyes are watering, but he’s fighting the urge to fall apart. Chon’s expression eases and he slowly lets Ben’s face go, sliding his fingers down his jawline, Ben can almost feel a caress in his touch and it all suddenly becomes too much to bare.

“They’re just sandwiches, Chon,” Ben answers as coolly as possible, trying to keep his voice from quivering. He collects the sandwiches onto a plate and rushes back to Magda; leaving Chon to fight his battle by himself.  
***********************************

 

They know they’ll never be okay again. After all of this is over there is no going back to the way things were.

Which sucks, because things were pretty fucking amazing.

Just the 3 of them and no one else, in the beautiful love nest condo overlooking the beach, with more fucking money and sex than anyone could ever wish for.

That everyone does wish for.

They were all definitely a product of white privilege, their only concerns in life being the possibility of loneliness (and they were all mad with loneliness before they met each other). Everything was paradise; warm, bright and colorful, no pain, no suffering. Sure, there were the times Chon would do another tour and Ben and O would lose their breath thinking about all of the ways they might never see him again. 

The day that Chon told him he was enlisting Ben couldn’t stop crying… no, not crying, sobbing. A panicked, frenzied form of sobbing that caused him to hyperventilate. He sort of collapsed to his knees and clutched his stomach; anyone who didn’t know how Ben felt about Chon would think the reaction a tad over-dramatic. Chon would never admit it out loud, but seeing Ben like that, scared the shit out of him. To think that the sanity of this lonely little rich boy depended solely on his survival; on his ability to keep himself alive in a fucking war zone, was beyond his comprehension. But he let Ben cry and spent every waking moment by his side for the entire two weeks before he headed off to basic training.

They were never the same after that, and even though it turned out okay this thing with O and the cartel was different. Bigger, badder, just different.

For Ben, the differences were already obvious. He had killed a man and been directly responsible for the deaths of many others. He let Chon talk him into doing things that he wouldn’t even want Chon himself to do, but it was all for O. So he just accepted the circumstances and kept going, which, in a way, was even worse. Now he had truly forsaken himself, but it’s not hard to be who you are when you’ve always had plenty of other options. When they got O back would she be able to love him; love this new Ben that he’d wished he’d never had to become?

Chon was different too. He had revealed a side of himself that Ben had always known was there but had always been sheltered from. And now that he’d seen it Ben didn’t know if he could truly trust Chon again, and every day it was slowly breaking Chon’s heart. He felt powerless and vulnerable; feelings he hadn’t encountered since he’d last seen his father. He was disgusted with himself for allowing the cartel to take O, for corrupting Ben and for snatching away what little peace of mind he had left. It’s easy to be who you are when all you are is a killer; in a sick way, Chon was having fun and perhaps that was the worst part of all.

The boys couldn’t speak for O right now, but her change was guaranteed to be the worst of all.  
*********************************

 

“Are you two in love, or something?” Magda asks abruptly. Ben is sitting on the couch browsing the local news on his laptop, he had gotten used to checking every day for information about the cartel or Elena. Mostly, he was afraid to hear any reports of the mutilated body of a blonde Jane Doe being dumped somewhere. He hated checking for things like that.

“Sorry, did you say something?” He responds

“You and the other guy, you lovers or something?”

Ben smiles a bit, it’s the first real smile he’s given in ages and he almost forgot what it felt like.

“Yea, we all are. Chon, O and me are together,”

“You don’t get jealous, or anything?”

“We used to sometimes, but hardly at all now,”

“So, you both fuck her?”

“Yep.” 

“Does he fuck you?” Magda grins mischievously. Ben is a bit taken aback by the statement.

“Sometimes. Why do you assume that he’s the one doing the fucking?”

“Because he doesn’t seem the type to let anyone fuck him,” Magda laughs, Ben doesn’t answer.  
It was certainly true though. Chon wasn’t going to get fucked by anyone, and definitely not by Ben. They had talked about it at length and Ben was fine with the arrangement. He loved feeling Chon, hard, hot and thick, inside of him; he shivers a bit thinking about it.

But at the moment no one was getting fucked, one of the many things they had forsaken when O had been taken. It was probably the most obvious source of discontent between them.

“I bet he’s rough, huh? Holds you down, pulls your hair, tells you what to do and shit. He seems like the type.” Magda continues and Ben can’t help thinking about the last time they’d been together. Chon’s hands were so tight on his hips they left dark marks on his flesh, and despite how deep Chon was inside of him what made him cum was Chon sucking and biting down hard on his nipples. 

“Yea, that’s what he’s into,” Ben says in a low voice. He’s hoping she’ll tire of the subject as it’s starting to make his loins ache, but he would probably be just as curious if he were her.

“You should let him have at you right now. You look like you could use a good fucking,” She grins softly.

“I would, but he’s off somewhere. Didn’t tell me when he’d be back,” Ben replies somberly.  
Chon had left to take a walk down to the beach. Ben had been thinking about doing the same, but thought that Chon and he could use the time apart; even though it was the last thing either wanted. Walking on the beach was something they always used to do together and he could’ve easily gone down there. Chon fucked both him and O on the beach once before (it was right there, it seemed silly not to take advantage). It wasn’t their favorite thing, but there were no real complaints except for all the sand in their asses afterward; they all came regardless.

Ben was starting to get goose bumps, which was an early sign of impending horniness.

Chon, meanwhile was reclining in the sand, his pants unzipped and his hand firmly wrapped around his cock, stroking HARD. He had been going down to the beach more and more to jack off; he would find a secluded place if he could, but honestly didn’t mind if someone were to stumble upon him (in fact, it would’ve turned him on even more). Once a day turned into twice a day and he would be down there for a while; edging himself for about an hour or so. It had been so long since he’s gotten any proper relief with O gone and Ben being so distant; in being so pent up he became more aggravated.  
Starting fights with Ben was easy in light of how resentful he felt because they weren’t fucking. He hated thinking about it, but there was a good chance, despite having Magda to trade, that they may never see O alive again. It would be terrible, worse if it tore him and Ben apart for good. 

That, and he just missed the heat of Ben’s tight ass molding around his shaft, sliding up and down with every roll of their hips. He really missed how slutty Ben and O could be when they wanted his cock. But the idea of fucking without O seemed like moving on without her, like they would be readying themselves in the event that life with her was over and they would have to move on together or by themselves. 

Fucking each other with her gone felt like letting her go.

Like letting her die.

And that was something Chon would never be able to do.

With melancholy shit like that running through his head it was damn near impossible for Chon to cum. He just stood up, packed his still hard cock back into his jeans and headed back to the house as the sun set behind him.  
*********************************************

 

“You wanna ride home?” Chon asked Ben solemnly.

It was almost 5pm and a fiery red sun was setting and the wide Laguna sky was dizzying shades of orange, pink and purple. In the center of the high school football field and in a place of eternal summer it felt like they were the only two people left on the entire planet. A comfortably warm breeze was settling in and the air smelled faintly tangy; like grapefruit. The two just stood there for a while getting a good look at each other after a year and a half of sensing each other presence and wanting nothing more than to be closer. In truth, this was really their first encounter with one another.

“Well, do you want the fucking ride, or not!” Chon snapped at a dazed Ben.

“What? Oh, um yea. Sure.”

It didn’t occur to Ben that the crescent shaped bruise circling underneath Chon’s left eye was from his father’s hand, and that was why he could always be found hanging around after school (despite never attending many classes). It also took him a while to figure out that the only class Chon attended that whole year was the Biology class they shared together and any other classes they shared for the remainder of high school.

Ben just knew that in Chon’s dusty blue pick-up truck that night, as the lights of the city illuminated the night sky and glistened through the passenger’s window, that something about them together felt eternal. They were driving towards forever and even though he couldn’t put words to it at the time those feelings kept him up that night; the rush of the newness and the fear of impending attachment.  
Neither could put words to these things, but the next day Chon was waiting outside Ben’s house to drive him to school, and waited for him after school to drive him home.

And it continued like that every day, no exception. 

Right after he first enlisted Chon gave that blue truck to Ben and no matter what his financial situation was at any time he would always put money into keeping it running for Chon’s return. Chon loved that truck, but always found it a bit superstitious on Ben’s part; as if Ben thought that if the truck died here than Chon would die overseas. To this day he sort of chuckles thinking about it. The truck was somewhat retired since they had much better options, but they both still kept it in working order. It really was and old piece of junk, and it was getting harder to find parts for it. But neither of them had the balls to just let it go

Looking back on it, it really is a beautiful fucking love story. O used to call it that before asking Ben to tell it to her again for the millionth time. He never said ‘no’ though, because as much as he protested he loved that story just as much.  
**********************************************

 

Chon wakes up the next day to find Ben in the shower. It’s the morning they are set to exchange Magda for O; the day that could potentially destroy their entire lives. 

Such a tense realization doesn’t mesh well with the stilled ambiance of this quiet Laguna morning.

“Hey” Chon says, knocking on the glass shower door to get Ben’s attention. Ben is shaken from his thoughts, but remains silent. 

“Get out. We need to talk.” Chon needs to rely to Ben how today’s mission needs to go down in order to ensure success. Everyone has to be in their positions and absolutely nothing can go wrong. Chon intends to stress this.

But Ben seems reluctant and seems to be using the shower as a time capsule; protecting him from the coldness of their current predicament. His unwillingness to leave isn’t lost on Chon.

“If you’re gonna be a dick about it, than let me in.” He says with a sigh and begrudgingly begins removing his clothing and stepping into the shower.

They’ve taken showers together before; often with O. In such, warm, wet and closed confines it’s easy to release all inhibitions and do whatever feels natural. It didn’t take long for Ben to notice Chon’s morning wood bobbing up and down between his legs; it makes his already gorgeous naked frame all the more appealing. 

“Where’s Magda?” Chon asks inching close to Ben and dipping his head under the flow of water; their glistening flesh sliding together closely.

“Asleep. I think all that screaming wore her out,” Ben answers. It’s impossible not to be so intimate given the circumstances but it’s the first time either had expressed any intimacy since O had been gone. Chon had intended to drill Ben on today’s procedures, but in this setting it seemed pointless.

The sight of Ben’s ass dripping with warm water was clearly getting to him.

“Maybe once we get O back we can all just pile into your old truck and drive forever until the wheels melt. And we’ll just live where ever we end up.” Ben suggests wistfully as he gently places a slippery hand on Chon’s chest.

“Are you serious?” Chon chuckles at the notion.

“I don’t fucking know, but it sounds nice sometimes, doesn’t it?” Chon doesn’t answer as Ben slides his hands from his chest to his taut stomach.

Haven’t you ever thought of just leaving and never coming back?” Ben continues softly. It was the same mindset that Ben had earlier, before O was taken. In fact, it could be argued that it was the same mindset that got them in trouble in the first place. But Chon knew better than to argue that right now; he knew better than to make such a case when his bullheadedness equally contributed to their current predicament. 

Chon turns into him and places both hands tightly on Ben’s waist; looking him dead in the eye.  
“What is it with you and leaving this place? Why is it so fucking hard for you to like it here?”

“Chon, this place is just a house with a bunch of shit in it. That’s all the dope business has become for us; a way to accumulate more shit. I want more from life than that,”

“WE bought this house, and we filled it with OUR shit with money that WE made from OUR business,” 

There was always an anxiety about abandonment; Ben’s fear that Chon would be killed in the middle of a hot, bloody desert, and Chon’s agitation when Ben prolongs his philanthropic deeds. It was clear that they missed each other often and long to spend more time together than they were sometimes able. It was an off shoot of a codependent streak that took root in high school and it made them apprehensive of spending too much time together. 

But the result was them pulling away from one another recently; having to contend with those feelings of missing someone when they’re right in front of you. The feeling that they’ve abandoned you without going anywhere.

“Jesus Chon, I don’t want to let go of us. You and me and O, we’ll always be together no matter where we go or what we do. You’re my whole fucking world. You’re my home and I won’t go anywhere without you.” 

Unsure of how to respond, Chon closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Ben’s. They stand there in silence for a bit with nothing to listen to but the rushing of water as it hits the bathtub floor.

“Elena could still kill us and O, ever if we give Magda back,” 

“Yep,” Chon replies.

It was quick and sobering, but not at all surprising coming from Chon, who had accepted and made peace with death ages ago. 

“We’ll die together,” Chon continues with a smile. “Can’t imagine it being any other way.”

Ben presses his body closer to Chon’s, burying his face in the angle of Chon’s neck; taking in his scent. 

Tears are filling his eyes and he knows that Elena was right when she said he was the soft one, the cushion that gives Chon and O a safe place to land when they fall. “I love you, man.” Ben says, encircling his arms around Chon’s neck, embracing him. “I’ve loved you since we were 15 years old,”  
Chon’s body shiver ever so slightly and a cool tingle radiates from his chest and out. He takes a deep breath and wraps Ben up in his arms tightly; as if trying to pull the other inside of himself. 

“Fuck you,” Chon smirks and kisses Ben long and slow, it’s how he’s always responded to Ben’s declarations of love. It means ‘I love you too’ in Chon’s emotionally broken language.  
Ben’s hands gently moves from Chon’s neck, to his chest, toward deep into his upper thigh. He feels Chon’s cock bush against his forearm lightly and his brain fogs over. Ben doesn’t say a word, just places his hand on Chon’s fleshy stalk and allows his fingers to dance rhythmically while their tongues still tangle together.  
*****************************

 

“Think of it like this,” Chon starts. “You’re already dead. You were dead the minute you were born. You make peace with that, you can get through anything.”

Ben sighs and keeps looking forward. It’s the most Buddhist this Chon has ever said, and for a second he feels a small sliver of his honor being restored.

“Have I ever told you that I love you, man?”

Chon smiles, remembering their tryst from earlier.

“Yea, just this morning,”

“Well, I do,”


End file.
